Hi, it’s Lotus, cat-blogger, back in the guest spot for one day only. It’s been a while, and I’ve watched you all deliberating over worktops and flooring materials with your flawed human logic for long enough. So now I’m back with some feline design tips that will leave you amazed and astounded. And hopefully a little better informed for next time.

The sad truth is that your design ideas all spring from the wrong motivations. As a case in point, rather than fretting over the question ‘how can my family exit the house more efficiently in the mornings?’ consider the overworked schedule of your household star (clue: pointy ears, fluffy tail, really bad breath), and just how we might make things easier for her to access the forbidden trio of breakfast cereal milk (so sugary, so right),

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Feed me the healthy cat kibbles all you like, I’ll get my tooth rot elsewhere

packed lunch ham (so much tastier direct from the sandwich)

All the salty goodness, just as Mother Nature intended it

All the salty goodness, just as Mother Nature intended it

and Greek Style yoghurt. ‘Stealing’ is such a disappointing word. I think we could work on our semantics and switch to ‘rightfully claiming’ instead.

While we’re on the subject of nutrition, please note that this

Who knows what's lurking in there?

Who knows what’s lurking in there?

is never going to be an acceptable source of water. I can tell just by looking at it that you have laced it with something. Even though I just saw you fill it up from the tap (on which complex subject, read on).

What are you waiting for. Turn the tap on, please, human.

What are you waiting for? Turn the tap on, please, human.

Desirable/ drinkable water fountains around the home include any dripping or slow running tap

The perfectly natural way to drink

The perfectly natural way to drink

(despite the resulting alarming attack of hiccups),

Come on, I know you're in there

Come on, I know you’re in there

any glass of water left sitting around, and the shower tray, with its soap residue chaser.

You may invest in items like this:

There are no words

I hope the person who threw this together doesn’t answer to the title ‘designer’

It does not mean I will ever use them. Frankly I think they make the place look tacky. But hey, you’re the human so what would I know? I’ll just continue humbly to use this

Please note: my cushion, on my sofa, in my living room.

Please note: my cushion, on my sofa, in my living room

and this

Sorry, no room. First come, first served. Try the red circular thing by the back door

Sorry, no room. First come, first served. Try the red circular thing by the back door

and this

Pay some attention to those of us with 'bigger bones' next time you shop for armchairs. I think I may be developing a crick in my neck

Pay some attention to those of us with ‘bigger bones’ next time you shop for armchairs. I think I may be developing a crick in my neck

as my cosy snuggle place. You go ahead with the ‘cat bed.’

One of your better decisions has been the installation of this lovely grey carpet outside your bedroom.

Form and function: tasteful grey, grippy little claw-sharpeners

Form and function: tasteful grey, grippy little claw-sharpeners

A loop weave is perfect for claw-maintenance schedules — well done.

On this, however:

You want my opinion on the scratching post?

You want my opinion on the scratching post?

Not so much.

I’ve noticed of late that my viewing platforms have been cluttered up with unstable and possibly dangerous items.

You say 'card arrangement,' I say 'unnecessary hazard'

You say ‘card arrangement,’ I say ‘unnecessary hazard’

Please refrain from storing your pointless belongings in my space.

Patrol cat at work. Cacti in this tense situation room are not recommended. I don't think I need to elucidate

Patrol cat at work. Cacti in this tense situation room are not recommended. I don’t think I need to elucidate

Some of us have a job to do.

And finally. I go to a lot of trouble collecting leaves and precious seed and twig debris to decorate the floors for you. To the detriment of my glossy coat, even. So I really don’t expect you to respond so thoughtlessly by awakening this monster of all things evil to collect them up.

Horrors! I just need something from outside. I will be back later. When the monster has returned to its lair. Bye!

Horrors! I just need something from outside. I will be back later. When the monster has returned to its lair. Bye!

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